Archive for April, 2013

People That Annoy Me #1

Posted: April 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

OK, so I was struggling to think of something to blog about when a thought occurred – ‘Why not talk about something you can waffle about for hours on end – people that annoy you!’ and so here we are. Of course, this is no going to be directed at anyone in particular, just general sweeping annoyances. Oh, and I’ve labelled this post as being ‘#1’ because I imagine there will be MANY more to come. Anyways, enjoy. It is by no means a list in any kind of order, just from the top of my head.

  1. People who use the phrase ‘comedy genius’ a lot.

Now, the phrase ‘comedy genius’ is one of those that gets tossed around a little too often, if you ask me. Here are a few examples of things that I believe ARE comedy genius:

  • The ‘Batman and Robin’ bit in Only Fools and Horses
  • Lee Evans’ ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ sketch
  • Tina Fey

Next, here is a list of things that ARE NOT comedy genius:

  • The ‘camping/vomiting’ scene in The Inbetweeners
  • That one time your friend ‘got their dick out’
  • Sam Pepper
  • Anything that Roy Chubby Brown has written, said or even thought of

It is indeed sad to say that some people cannot differentiate between the two and so are forced to forever wander the streets believing that the film Freddy Got Fingered is a work of genius.

2. Passive braggers.

‘Passive bragging’ is a term that I think I may have coined – my only reason for thinking this is that I Googled it and no relevant results came up.  We all do this from time to time, myself included, however it is the people that constantly do it that annoy me.

Anyway, this is the style of bragging, where the ‘bragger’ is not directly bragging but it is implied in their speech. An example of this, that I heard today goes along these lines:

Person A: ‘So what are your plans for this weekend?’

Person B: ‘Oh my God, I am so busy! I have to get all the way down to the BBC studios in London for work experience; plus I only get paid £1000 now because I have to pay for my holiday! FML.’

<Person A remains silent for the next 5 minutes>

As you can hopefully see, Person B is not actively bragging about the fact that they are working for BBC and get paid a grand, rather, they are making it out as though their life is so difficult and that going to London and being paid is nothing but a hassle for them…dick.

I suppose a more extreme example of passive bragging (which I am yet to hear) would go something along the lines of this:

Person A: ‘How the hell am I supposed to spend ALL my lottery winnings?! You know what, winning that £150 million has just made my life so much more hectic!’

3. People that don’t say ‘excuse me’ if you are in the way – they just stand there and tut.

Imagine you’re in the supermarket, happy in your own little world buying food and what-not. Then from behind, you hear a large sigh and a casual tutting. You spin round to see a woman with a trolley 2 millimetres from your back standing perfectly still. You then move out of her way apologising, whilst she saunters down the aisle with her trolley.

Doesn’t that just piss you off?

I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know that there was a woman behind me wanting to get past – I’m not psychic (no matter how many Derren Brown shows I watch) and I don’t have eyes in the back of my head. So tell me, disgruntled woman, how on Earth was I supposed to know that you were there if you DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING? How hard is it to say ‘excuse me’? I mean really, it’s not as though I’m going to turn around and say ‘No’, is it? (Although, that would be fun to try, just to watch people’s faces as you refuse them access – memo to self: must try that later)

But the worst thing, and I mean worst thing that someone has done is while I was out card shopping. A woman and her baby in a pushchair (the baby, not the woman) were directly behind me and I was obviously blocking her path (not intentionally mind, I just like to spread out when buying cards). Now instead of saying ‘excuse me, please’ she had the audacity to start talking to her baby about me – in a fucking baby voice! It went something along the lines of this:

Woman (to her baby, in a baby voice): ‘You know what, some people are just so inconsiderate when it comes to mothers and children, aren’t they? Yes they are! Yes they are! They don’t care about anyone else other than themselves, do they? No they don’t! No they don’t! Isn’t it so annoying when people stand in your way? Yes it it! Yes it is!’

Now after hearing her passive-aggressive rant, I turned round and just stared – flabbergasted that someone would even do that! So I gave the classic response of ‘Oh sorry, didn’t see you there.’ To which she replied, ‘No, you didn’t.’ I moved out of her way, still in disbelief that someone like that existed.

*

Well that’s about it for my first ‘People That Annoy Me’ post – I hope that you have encountered people like the ones I have mentioned, and it’s not just me being weird.

Tom

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As it’s getting to that time of year again when many many people will be sitting some form of exam, I figured I’d write something about exams. As with my most entitled ‘Dating Website Etiquette’, this will be more of a list of‘Things People Do In/Around Exams That Piss Me Off’. It’ll be in 3 parts (mainly because I can’t be bothered to write it all in one big go): before an exam; during an exam; and, you guessed it, after an exam. Enjoy!

Parts I and II can be found here and here.

PART III – AFTER AN EXAM

It’s finally over! The exam that you’ve been dreading is done and dusted! After putting up with weeks of revision (most of which you end up not needing for the exam) it’s now all over! Or is it?

1. Don’t ask people what they got for each question.

Now, I don’t know about you but after I’ve done an exam I want to just remove it from my mind and focus on whatever exam I’ve got next, rather than cringing over answers I knew were wrong at the time,yet still wrote them down. Plus, it’s not like I can go back and change my answers. And so, when someone asks me ‘What did you get for Question 2?‘ I have no idea! I’d forgotten what I’d written for Question 2 by the time I’d started Question 3!

But the main reason for not doing this is because, 9 times out of 10, you will hear the other person say they wrote down a completely different answer to you. And so panic ensues. What’s worse is when you ask someone what they got for a question (expecting to have got the right answer) and then like 7 people all say they got a different answer to you: don’t you feel silly now, eh?

The same principle applies to the next point:

2. Don’t look at your revision notes after the exam.

You’re probably going to find that you missed a shedload of things. And now you feel bad. Nice one.

3. Sympathy-snatchers.

I’ve had some good exams and I’ve had some bad exams, as has everyone. What was a good exam for someone might’v been a bad exam for someone else. If an exam went bad, you’re probably going to feel pretty shit about it, and want to vent your anger/frustration out. Fair enough.

What’s worse are people who you know are doing to do (inhumanly) well in the exam and yet they come out saying ‘Oh my God, I’ve completely failed! I may as well just kill myself!’ But when it comes to results day, they’ll be the one’s saying ‘Oh wow, how on Earth did I get 98% in that exam?‘ Yup, those people are dicks.

So yeah, if it went well say it went well. If not then go and buy a bottle of wine or something, I dunno.

*

Well this concludes my short but sweet ‘Exams’ trilogy. In many ways I see it like the (soon-to-be) Hangover trilogy: sure, the first one was funny but the second one was just more of the same and the only reason there’s even a third one was because they felt they had to.

I’ll have to have a think about my next trilogy. I think I’ll follow in the footsteps of Episodes I,II and III of Star Wars: an annoyingly useless character in the first one; an awkwardly scripted love story in the second; and, by the time you see the third part, you feel absolutely nothing for the protagonist so you don’t even bat an eyelid by the time he betrays everyone he cared about.

So yeah, brace yourself.

Tom

As it’s getting to that time of year again when many many people will be sitting some form of exam, I figured I’d write something about exams. As with my most entitled ‘Dating Website Etiquette’, this will be more of a list of‘Things People Do In/Around Exams That Piss Me Off’. It’ll be in 3 parts (mainly because I can’t be bothered to write it all in one big go): before an exam; during an exam; and, you guessed it, after an exam. Enjoy!

PART II – DURING AN EXAM

So, the time has come. You’re in the exam. This is it. The whole of your life now depends on how you perform in the next 2 hours – in many ways, it’s like a relationship. Now, I know what many of you are thinking: ‘Tom, this blog post is ridiculous! Surely there are guidelines in place in exams meaning that no one can do anything annoying?’ Well, dear Reader, you will be surprised.

1. Mouth noises (in all forms) make me want to kill.

You know that feeling when you hear a noise and now that you’ve heard it you can’t not hear it? Annoying, huh? Well what if it was the only noise you had to hear for the next 2 hours? Wouldn’t that just drive you insane? I’m talking about simple mundane noises that, in everyday situations, we don’t even consider but in an otherwise silent room, can drive a person slowly mad. Things like coughing, wheezing (which, ironically, is such a fun word to say), lip-smacking, ‘tssk’ing and general muttering can turn a person from a happy-go-lucky ‘Hey, I’m just here to do an exam’ into a blood-thirsty ‘If you don’t stop that, I’m going to shove my newly-sharpened protractor down your throat’. I suppose the only bit of advice I could give is to maybe bring a bottle of water to the exam? Which leads me on to a side-point:

1.5: If you’re going to drink water (or anything, for that matter) doing that ‘Ahhhh’ noise after you’ve swallowed makes you look like an idiot.

Just don’t. You’re not in a fucking Diet Coke advert.

2. You can also add sniffing to that list. Just blow your nose, for God’s sake!

3. If you finish the exam early, I don’t care how proud you look.

Finishing an exam early can mean one of 2 things: either the exam went so brilliantly that you managed to spout all your knowledge onto the page in only an hour or, the exam has gone horribly and as a result, you cannot bare to look at the blank sheets of paper staring at you so you decide to just leave and walk out. (There is actually a third option: you genuinely don’t give a flying fig about exams or the ‘system’ in general and so, in a vain attempt at rebellion, you march out of the exam whispering ‘Fuck the system!‘ as you go. Needless to say, these people are douchebags.)

What gets me though, are the people who leave exams early for the first reason and then have the audacity to strut smugly down the aisle with a smug grin on their faces. I even remember hearing someone whistle as they walked past me, having finished after about 45 minutes! Well, the joke’s on him: I think he’s now a ‘No Spray, No Lay‘ guy at a nightclub… (In fact, I think it was a GCSE Film Studies exam. See kids, told you that shit’s important!)

So yeah: if you have to leave early, for whatever reason, don’t be a dick about it. Thanks.

4. Asking for more paper makes everyone else feel bad. Do it quietly. 

I know, I know, sometimes you just need more paper. I obviously have no issue with that. I do however, have an issue with people who have to ask an invigilator for more paper so loudly that everyone else can hear. It’s as though they’re saying ‘Look how much I’ve written! In fact, my brilliance knows no bounds! I require more paper!’ (or they could just have big handwriting…) But yeah, it makes us and our measly 2 pages of A4 feel bad, so don’t.

Tom’s Top Tip: In a maths exam, ask for tracing paper even if you don’t need it and just watch how many people see this and do the same. 

*

Again, I hope you’ve enjoyed these (surprisingly sober) rantings. Tune in tomorrow for the epic conclusion! (I promise it will be better than ‘The Hangover Part III‘)

Tom

As it’s getting to that time of year again when many many people will be sitting some form of exam, I figured I’d write something about exams. As with my most entitled ‘Dating Website Etiquette’, this will be more of a list of ‘Things People Do In/Around Exams That Piss Me Off’. It’ll be in 3 parts (mainly because I can’t be bothered to write it all in one big go): before an exam; during an exam; and, you guessed it, after an exam. Enjoy!

N.B. If you’re taking your GCSEs this Summer, a word of advice: GCSEs are THE MOST IMPORTANT EXAMS EVER! Seriously, if you fuck up in GCSE Film Studies, that shit will haunt you for the rest of your life…

PART I: BEFORE AN EXAM

Ok, so it’s the day of the exam: you’re feeling pretty nervous yet confident at the same time. You wake up early, grab a decent breakfast, and head on to the exam. Little do you realise that those few minutes you spend standing outside the exam hall can either make or break you. Allow me to explain:

1. Last-Minute Crammers.

So, you’re feeling pretty confident about the amount of revision you’ve done: any more revision in the 4 minutes before an exam is just pointless: nothing will go in. You know this; I know this, and YET there are are some people who don’t. People that believe that if they glance at their notes 30 seconds before an exam that it will somehow magically go into their brains. It just causes unnecessary panic. Which brings me nicely on to the next point:

2. DON’T ask people what they know or have revised.

You will know some things that other won’t, and vice versa. So what is the point in scaring yourself into a panic attack by asking everyone else sitting the exam what they have revised? Because, guaranteed, they will say something (even if it’s one obscure little point that you thought ‘Meh, this point is so obscure and little: I’m not going to revise this’) that you won’t have revised. In fact I get so pissed off at people asking me what I’ve revised, that I always try and think of the most irrelevant piece of information and make out that it’s the most important thing we need to know for the exam. I know, I know, I’m a bit of a sociopath.

3. Verbal revision is the worst.

I don’t know how everyone revises; heck, I don’t even know how I revise. But I’m guessing that for written exams you’re probably going to be doing most of your revision by putting pen to paper. Yet what really makes me laugh (now, this might only apply to maths exams) is how people try and test each other on things verbally.

That’s right – shit just got real…

Here is an example of some maths: this is the proof of Leibniz’s Product Rule (N.B. There won’t be a test at the end, this is just for the purposes of my example). It could be a question on an exam: in fact, I think it was on my A-Level Maths exam. Now the way that I would go about revising this is to simply write it out again and again ad absurdem. Even to a non-mathematician this revision style would make sense. And yet, somehow, as soon as it’s 5 minutes before the exam, people ask ‘Prove Leibniz’s Product Rule’ and then expect you to rattle off some verbal answer! Obviously for some subjects this can work: for example, short questions related to  dates/names/key facts. But what I’m referring to is the equivalent of someone asking you ‘”Othello is a classic Shakesperian tragic protagonist.” To what extent do you agree with this statement?’ right before an English exam.

4. You probably DO have enough pens.

I’ll keep this one short: if you’re panicking about whether or not 7 pens will be enough – you need to get out more.

*

I hope you enjoyed my somewhat-informative ramblings, most of which is tongue-in-cheek. In the next part I’ll talk about the actual exam and then round things off nicely with a bit about after the exam.

Ciao,

Tom.

As you may or may not be aware I am studying Mathematics at University. Yes, I’m one of those ‘strange’ people that can grasp maths and I’ve decided, of my own free will, to pretty much devote the rest of my life to the study of it. Wow, when I write it like that it DOES seem kind of depressing. No matter, too late to change now I guess. Anyway, below you’ll find a list of reactions I have encountered when telling people that I study maths and how I personally have dealt with them. I suppose you could apply the following situations to any subject, but I find that maths is the one that gets the most…diverse…reactions. I hope you enjoy them.

1) The Question.

Ok, so let’s pretend that you’re on a first date. Everything’s going swimmingly when suddenly the other person asks you what you study, expecting a response of the more dociel subjects like Geography, English or even *snigger* Theatre Studies. And so, not wanting to lie this early on in what could be a fully-formed relationship, you reply ‘I’m doing maths’. To which the other person responds with one of my favourite responses:

‘Why?’

Now this is one of my favourites because you have no idea how to respond to that, and I don’t think the other person does either. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to say all of a sudden ‘Oh my God! Your questioning of my university studies has suddenly made me rethink my entire life! I’m going to give up my prosperous career as a mathematician and do Media Studies instead!’ And so you are forced instead to say cringe-inducing justifications for your studies, such as ‘I like it’ or ‘I was good at it in school’, or my personal favourite ‘Because it’s the same in every language’ (that is, in fact, a quote from Mean Girls and I advise you not to use it…). However, thereis a light at the end of the tunnel. After being asked this mundane question so many times, I have come up with a sentence that should halt any further probing into my study of maths:

‘Someone has to.’

See, this is hopefully funny enough to make the other person laugh and move on to talking about the weather or whatever, or it is so blunt and direct that the other person has no choice but to quickly change topic so that I don’t inevitably bore them to death with more blunt responses.

2) The Barrage of Compliments.

Right, so let’s go back to the dating scenario mentioned before. You’ve just told the other person that ‘I study maths’, but THIS time they will give a response that is not very common, but can catch you off-guard if you are not prepared:

‘Wow, you must be so clever! I wish I was as clever as you to do maths!’

At first glance this may sound sarcastic (this might just be because I write in an extremely sarcastic manner and so you have no choice but to interpret everything I write as being sarcastic…) but it is actually intended as a compliment from the other person. This puts you in a HUGELY awkward position as, well I don’t know about you but I cannot take compliments to save my life, you have to either downright accept these compliments or try and turn them into some sort of self-criticism. For example, there is the blunt answer of:

‘Yes, I am clever. And yes, I too wish that you were as clever as me.’

which, even I am willing to admit, is just plain rude. The other option is to reply in a sort-of awkward self-criticism, such as:

‘Well, I’m not GREAT at maths. I only chose it because I’m worse at everything else. I don’t even like the subject.’

when inside you are in fact thinking, ‘Why are you saying these things, Tom?! You LOVE maths!’ which may be closer to the truth. I must admitI still find this sudden ‘attack’ of compliments still a little awkward and I am forced to use the cringey ‘I-pretend-to-hate-maths-even-though-I-actually-love-it’ technique.

3) The Look.

Read the very first sentence of this post again, the one where I say I study maths. Now think back to the facial expression you were pulling when you first read that (or what you were thinking inside). It probably looked like a grimace, kind of like Moe from The Simpsons. Now, if you pulled this face in your head (you know what I mean) that’s perfectly fine: you are not displaying your disgust/questioning/anger/hatred openly and therefore I personally cannot tell your reaction to my studing of maths.
BUT
When ‘The Look’ decides to manifest itself out in the open, that’s when things get personal. If I had a penny for every time someone has given me The Look when I told them I did maths, I would have about £2.30. The point is, that The Look is usually people’s default expression: a sort of ‘Ouch’ face. As in, ‘Ouch, you do maths.’ Well, I CHOSE to do maths so surely it doesn’t ‘hurt’ me? Why on Earth would I choose to study it when, in fact, I am ‘pained’ by it? Thus discrediting The Look.

N.B. I apologise if the previous paragraph was more of a stream-of-consciousness rather than coherent text. My writing style is quite…messy.

I can think of many, many more ‘reactions’ that people have shown me upon them finding out I study maths, and perhaps they’ll appear in another post. If you are a mathematician, I hope that you have at least gotten a few chuckles out of this and maybe you have witnessed first-hand some of the things mentioned; if you are not a mathematician (a ‘muggle’, as we like to call them) then I hope that the message is clear: next time someone says they study maths, think about how you’re going to react to it.

Later bitches,

Tom

This post is taken from my old old blog, so I’m aware that many people will have read this before. But it still remains one of my favourite things I’ve written, PLUS it deals with an important issue that is always relevant. So enjoy!

*WARNING: This post contains strong language and heavy use of sarcasm*

First of all, I would just like to say that this is not the ‘Ten Commandments of Dating Websites‘ – mainly because I don’t think there will be ten of them – but because I don’t think of these as being ‘rules’ per se, a more accurate title would be ‘A Few Things People Have Done on Dating Websites That Piss Me Off and I Don’t Want You to Make the Same Mistakes as Them‘; however, that is quite a mouthful. So yeah, here is a sort-of ‘collection’ of things that have either made me cringe or laugh at, from my experience with dating websites. I hope you enjoy them.

Tip: Right from the get-go, PLEASE take time to choose a username that doesn’t give people the wrong impression! I am always slightly wary of people who are called ‘BigDick2012’ or ‘DaddysLilSlut’…

1. Be VERY Careful When Describing Yourself.
Ok, so you’ve signed up to a website to meet ‘that special someone’. You’ve chosen an appropriate username (see above tip), and all of a sudden you are confronted with a massive text box with the instruction: ‘Write something About Yourself’. At this point, my mind freezes. The little guy in my head starts shouting ‘Crap, we need something that doesn’t sound pretentious yet makes you seem interesting! Hell, are you even THAT interesting, Tom?‘. I admit, it is extremely tough to write about yourself without sounding:

a) too modest;
b) not modest enough;
c) too pretentious; or
d) just an all-round dick

It is therefore important that you use words and phrases that won’t give off any unwanted vibes and make you seem as likeable as possible (even if you aren’t the most likeable guy in the world). The sad thing is that people who read your profile will probably be able to ‘read between the lines’; which is why, below, is a helpful translator from ‘What People Put in their Profile‘ to ‘What They Actually Mean‘:

i) ‘I’m bubbly and outgoing‘ —> ‘I could probably do to lose a few pounds
ii) ‘I have a good sense of humour‘ —> ‘I’m probably not the best-looking person in the world’
iii) ‘I have my own car‘ —> SEE ABOVE

and now for my personal ‘favourite’:

‘I’m a bit quirky and random’
Now, I could write a whole essay on why this is probably the worst possible phrase to use to describe yourself, but I will try and summarise. Basically, you are saying that ‘I’m a bit of a twat and you probably won’t like me when we first meet‘. I mean, what does the word ‘quirky’ even mean? The dictionary defines it as being ‘characterized by peculiar or unexpected traits’.’Unexpected traits’? Like what: the tendancy to occasionally have psychotic episodes? I have a friend who is bi-polar and from time to time lapses, meaning he hits people/things – I suppose you could describe THAT as being ‘quirky’. Anyway, I could talk for hours and hours about the aforementioned phrase, however, I will move on.

Tip: Remember not to blatantly lie in your profile/username. It might be disappointing for you to find out that ‘BustyNurse2012’ has never actually worked in the medical profession. Then again, it might not…

Another Tip: In some websites you can write a short phrase or sentence to sum up yourself, such as ‘Student looking for love’ etc. Similarly to your profile, choose your words wisely. Something tells me that a ‘mutherfukin big titz luvver’ isn’t interested in your personality.

2. A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words.
I can’t remember who said that quote, but they are extremely correct. As sad as it may seem, people are not going to want to find out about the fact that you’re incredibly well-endowed if your profile picture is you holding up your rock collection. Sorry, but that’s just the world we live in. Therefore it is important that your picture is the best-looking picture of yourself that you can find.
N.B. Make it a RECENT picture. No one wants to find out that you looked like a model 20 years ago, and now resemble Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons.

Here are a few things that put me off when browsing for next potential victims, I mean, mates:

a) Don’t use a self-shot mirror photo: I think they look too pose-y and as though you’re trying too hard.
b) Please please please no crotch shots! I don’t think I can stress this enough: I don’t care how big you are down there!
c) Pictures with you and lots of attractive friends make me think ‘You have good-looking friends, why need me?
d) Please, no obscure pictures that attempt to be funny – ‘Lol, I have a cone on my head, look how random I am!‘ … No, you’re just a twat with a cone on your head.
e) Please don’t pout. Unless that is your natural face and you cannot help it (in which case I suggest you get help) there is nothing whatsoever attractive about pouting. Ever.
f) If there is the option to add captions to your photos, please do so sparingly. The caption ‘me in bed’ should, hopefully, be absolutely clear to us from the photo.

The list does go on, but these are the things that I find are very common ‘issues’ amongst dating profiles. By following this advice, you should hopefully have a picture that looks like you, but in the best light.

Tip: Remember to actually use pictures of YOURSELF. I AM able to tell that your picture is, in fact, of Channing Tatum and not you. Unless, of course, you ARE Channing Tatum; in that case, call me.

3. Take Care When Messaging Other People.

Usually on these free dating websites the only way you can contact other members, is by sending them an instant message. N.B. If you are desperate enough to actually PAY to find ‘love’ on a website then there are other ways of engaging with other members, but these won’t be discussed here.

Your first message to someone is the first step on the road to, what could potentially become, a relationship and it is therefore extremely important to make the best first impression. A good example of a first messge is this:

‘Hey, how are you? I read your profile and you seem really interesting and I would like to know more about you. Tom’

There: short, simple and nothing too forward. A simple ‘hey, how are you?‘ is a good start, however these types of messages are usually ignored by people, or worse still, you end up getting a simple reply of ‘gd’. At this point, I would take the hint. Here is a bad example of a first message, see if you can guess why:

‘Babez, i wana fuk u so hard. u r fitt. xoxo’

You may be laughing reading that, wondering how on Earth anyone could ever send someone that kind of message, but I assure you, it has been done. I mean, how can you respond to that? I once received a message from a 50-something year old man saying ‘Let’s blow this joint then each other‘; to which I replied ‘Wouldn’t that chat up line only work if we are in the same place together?‘ I haven’t heard from him since.
I think the strangest message I have ever been sent, plus the one that made me laugh the most, was just one word. One simple word, posed as a question:

‘Girth?’

Yup, that’s it. That is what the person sent me (he will remain anonymous to protect identity, and the fact that I can’t remember his username). I mean, the answer to his question is ‘Yeah, loads‘ but I don’t want HIM to know that. That ended up being another message that I ‘pretended not to see’. Oh, that reminds me, another message I received a while back was from a Persian man who asked me ‘How much for one night?‘ Needless to say that too ended up in the ‘ignore’ pile.

Tip: Be considerate when using the word ‘lol’. For example, using it at the end of every sentence may make you sound like you are either a very jolly person, or that you are some kind of maniac.

And so we come to the end. I told you there wasn’t going to be ten (however, with all the tips and N.B.s I suppose you could find ten). I hope that these ‘guidelines’ have been useful/informative or just even made you laugh. All that is left to do is shake you by the hand and wish you luck in the world of Internet Dating.

Tom.

It’s bigger!

It’s better!

It’s…

My New Blog!

*pause for applause*

Yep, that’s right, it’s time for a re-vamp. I like to think of my blog as Dr Who: confusing; constantly changing; and, enjoyed by not only 8 year old children but also 40 year old men – and everyone in between! Oh, but minus the glamorous assistant to accompany me on my travels.

You may also notice that I’ve got a new address: a REAL one! Yup, http://www.twisted-fish.com is the new home of all my shenanigans. On a side-note, I’m not entirely sure where the ‘twisted’ part came from: don’t expect to see me posting pictures of me in all sorts of contorted yoga positions (although I AM double-jointed, but let’s leave that for another day). I suppose the only thing I can think of is that ‘Twisted Fish’ has the same initials as me. But yeah, twisted-fish.com is where it’s happenin’.

Anywho, I could talk about myself till the cows come home (and probably will, so be prepared for a lot of self-deprecating blog posts) but I have a million-and-one things to do today, so I’ll love you and leave you.

*I still have to think of a way of signing off each post, so for now I’ll stick with the basics*

Bye,

Tom.