Archive for June, 2013

Repo! The Genetic Opera

Posted: June 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

Usually when you ask someone what their favourite film is, they’ll say one of the classics like ‘The Shawshank Redemption‘ or ‘The Godfather‘ or ‘Pulp Fiction’. Personally I don’t have an all-time favourite film, rather a collection of films that I enjoy, depending on things like what mood I’m in, or if I’m watching with other people etc. So today I figured that I’d talk about one of these favourite films of mine, Repo! The Genetic Opera.

Repo! is a horror rock-opera by Darren Lynn Bousman (you may remember him for his work on the Saw series), released in 2008. It is set in a dystopian future where organ transplants for cosmetic purposes are a common trend. To finance these organ transplants, people take out payment plans (think ‘BrightHouse’, but slightly more evil). However for those who are unable to keep up with their payments, the organ company ‘GeneCo’ sends out the Repo Men – tasked with reclaiming their property.

The story itself revolves around a 17 year old girl, Shilo, (played by Alexa Vega, from Spy Kids fame) who discovers her father, Dr Nathan Wallace (played by Buffy’s Anthony Head) is one of GeneCo’s repo men. Meanwhile GeneCo’s founder, Rotti Largo (played by Goodfellas‘ Paul Sorvino) is told he is dying and as such, he needs to find an heir out of his family of wayward children (played by Bill Moseley, Ogre and Paris Hilton).

What makes Repo! so fantastic is the music itself. A mixture of rock, techno and some classical thrown together with some brilliant vocals (Sarah Brightman, of worldwide singing renown, steals the show with her song ‘Chromaggia’); and Anthony Head has a very decent singing voice, something that surprised me. With it being a horror film, there are, naturally, moments of gore – well, the film is about removing people’s organs.

So if you’re a fan of horror films, a fan of musicals, or perhaps a fan of both then I strongly recommend you check out Repo! – it’s 97 minutes of blood and guts, all wrapped up in a neat little song.

Check it out here!

Tom

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The Big 1K!

Posted: June 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

‘Woo! 1,000 views!’

OK, so yesterday I hit 1,000 views on this blog. That’s 1,000 views in total, not just in one day – that would be something to celebrate. But yeah, I figured I’d take this opportunity to thank you all for reading my blog. I know it’s a really small milestone but hey, it’s a first step.

“What’s next?” I hear you ask. Well, let me tell you. The next step is all about expansion. At the moment, I’m averaging around 20 views per day. That doesn’t sound like a lot at all, but I’m actually amazed that there’s even 20 people in the world who reads my stuff! But, being the narcissistic fellow that I am, I want to try and increase this number.

And this is where you come in, Constant Reader.

You are the reason that I blog. It’s not for fame or money (I should be so lucky) but it’s for entertainment – my own personal entertainment, and your’s at home. So what I ask is that you share any posts that you may like. If there’s a particular post which makes you laugh (and I’m hoping there’s at least one) or if there’s a post that resonates with you, then share it with your friends and family. Post it on Facebook or tweet about it, or even leave a comment on the post itself. If you want to stay up to date with all the latest posts then why not follow my blog, either through WordPress or through email by clicking the button on the left.

So all that’s left for me to say is ‘thanks’ – thanks to those people who have shared my site on Facebook and Twitter; thanks to those who’ve followed my blog; and, thanks to everyone for even reading my blog in the first place!

Here’s to the next 1,000 views!

Tom

Yes it’s that time again, folks!  Time to laugh at some of the spam comments I’m getting on this blog – some are funny, some are a Grammar Nazi’s nightmare and some are just downright bizarre. If you want to check out more funny spam comments I’ve received, you can check out #1 and #2. Enjoy!

Well they certainly picked the right blog post to comment on…

The thing that makes me really laugh about this gem is the phrase ‘according to the Indian law’. In fact, I might start adding it to the end of questions I ask. Do you reckon that would work, according to the Indian law?

comment9

Oh stop, you flatter me.

This one is only here because it’s flattering…I think. I thought to myself “Oh that’s such a nice comment! I’ll check out this person’s website” and then I discovered they were a Viagra salesman.

comment10

If anyone can make heads or tails of this, they’re a better man than I.

With most spam comments, they at least try and look like genuine comments. And then there’s ones like these. The irony is that they’ve  tried to post a spam comment on a blog post about laughing at spam comments. Or maybe it’s some kind of ‘meta’-joke. Either way it makes me smile.

comment11

I don’t even know where to begin…

First of all, who describes a prom dress as ‘cushty’? And what  about the second bit – ‘provide the relief in running your current legs commonly since you dine’? Are they trying to suggest I have fat legs? Well they can fuck right off. Obviously, I am in dire need of a ‘cushty’ prom dress for my Graduation Ball, but I will not be purchasing from you, sleekservice.com! Ha!

comment12

I often think of myself as an adult Cupid. Or maybe I just enjoy wearing nappies too much.

It’s finally happened. Someone has found love through my blog. What concerns me is that it’s through my post I’m Not Scared Anymore which is about the lack of genuine ‘horror’ in horror films today. Ah well, maybe that’s their ‘kink’.

 *

That’s all for today, I’ve no doubt that this post itself will generate tens of spam comments so you can look forward to seeing them next time!

Tom

Awkward Anecdote #1

Posted: June 10, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Today’s blog post will, hopefully,  be the start of a new collection of stories. It’ll be a compendium (that’s a fancy word for ‘collection’) of awkward tales. Most of the stories in this compilation (that’s a fancy word for ‘compendium’) will be my own – I have enough awkwardness in me to last a lifetime – but if you at home have any deliciously cringe-worthy stories you wish to share with the 12 people that read this blog then feel free to add them.

*

We used to live in one of the rougher areas of Lancaster for about a year. This was the same time that I was in Sixth Form, doing my A Levels. My school was pretty much on the other side of town, so I had to walk through this ‘rough patch’ to get there. Oh, I forgot to mention, we had to wear suits for Sixth Form. So you can imagine the amount of fun I had every day walking through what looked like the set from Shameless on my way to school. To be honest, I was used to it: you get the classic ‘Oi, wanker!’ and even ‘Hey, Specky McShit-Suit!’ and that was just from the milkman.

“Are you…cutting cake?”

But I remember one day walking past a Costcutter right in the heart of this dodgy bit of town (I think it’s been burnt down now) and there on the pavement in front of me were some youths. I say ‘youths’, when in fact they must’ve been about 12, but to be honest, any kid between the ages of about 10 and 18 scare me (I know, I’m going to be an amazing secondary school teacher, huh?). Anyway, there were two boys about 12 and this one girl who must’ve been older (either that or she was one of those girls who dress older, you know, the ones you see on Jeremy Kyle) and they were just standing there in the middle of the pavement, staring at me. 

Now, I knew they’d already seen me: so I couldn’t turn back or that’d be like ‘admitting defeat’. So I proudly strode along the pavement, in my suit, getting closer and closer to them. Then the girl stepped out in front of me.

“Oi, mate, can you buy us some fags?”

I panicked. This had never happened to me before. I mean, I’d seen it on TV and stuff but I never thought in my wildest dreams that it’d happen to me. Me – a young, impressionable 17 year old who looked rather dapper in a suit, being asked to buy cigarettes by a bunch of teens. I felt like I was in The Wire

But in my panic, I said the first thing that came into my head which, in hindsight, was probably the worst thing you could say.

“Erm, I don’t have any money.”

The look on the girl’s face is something that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. She looked like I was the biggest moron she’d ever encountered – despite hanging around with two boys who were busy exploring the contents of their noses and crotches (not each other’s, that would be weird). 

“We’ll give you the money, you fucking idiot! We don’t expect you to pay for them, you twat!”

I suppose when it’s written down like this, I can see why she thought I was a moron. But, in the heat of the moment, I had flustered and it still makes me cringe thinking about it now. This girl’s rebuttal did nothing to ease my awkwardness, so I remained flustered and attempted to justify myself.

“Well…erm…you shouldn’t smoke.”

And with that, I hurriedly continued my way to school, and I vowed never to walk that way again.

*

And there you have it: just one of the many, many, many awkward moments in my life. I hope you enjoyed it. If you, like me, experience awkwardness on a day-to-day basis, then please share.

Till next time,

Tom

How To Make A Pizza Burger

Posted: June 5, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Yesterday, I finished my last exam and thus my degree. So my housemate and I decided to celebrate in style: by making a pizza burger. Now this was something we’ve talked about doing since we started uni three years ago, but finally we had the opportunity to do it. And let me tell you, it was the stuff of dreams. In this post I’ll show you how you, yes you at home, can make your very own pizza burger. Bon appétit!

What you’ll need:
Mince;
2 pizzas;
Breadcrumbs;
Onions (optional);
Salt and Pepper (if ya want);
1 Egg;
A huge appetite (required).

mince

£8 worth of mince = 1.5 kg (ish)

1. Buy the ingredients, duh.

So you wanna make a pizza burger, huh? Sweet. Well the first thing you’re gonna need is a shedload of mince. Like, seriously, a lot of mince. We went to our local butchers (how quaint) and bought £8 worth of mince, which gave us roughly 1.5 kilograms of pure, unadulterated meat. You’ll also need 2 pizzas: the topping s don’t matter, it’s dealer’s choice. The only thing I would say is that the ‘pizza-to-burger’ ratio needs to be considered: if you’re making a thick burger you don’t want to have deep-pan pizzas; and, conversely, if you’re making a thin burger, you’ll want a thicker pizza. Or you can say ‘fuck that’ and have a thick burger and two deep-pan pizzas. It’s your choice.

For added creepiness, talk to the bread as you stroke it.

 

2. Make breadcrumbs.

So, to ‘bind’ the burger you’re gonna need an egg and breadcrumbs. Now, here’s the fun part: making breadcrumbs. My housemate and I came up with an odd, yet surprisingly effective way of making breadcrumbs: forcefully stroke the slice of bread which makes it ‘crumb’ (On a side-note, the verb ‘to crumb’ is probably the worst thing I’ve ever heard). You should do this to about 3 slices of bread, well, until you have a decent amount of crumbs in relation to the amount of meat you have.

 

 

3. Make the burger.

“Is it wrong that I like the feel of this?” – My housemate.

Right, so by now you should have a helluva lot of meat and some breadcrumbs. Now comes the messy part: making the burger. What you need to do is get some kind of tray, and start kneading the mince like it’s dough. At the same time, add the egg to the mix (which feels disgusting, let me tell you) and keep mixing. Once the egg is all mixed in, you should start to sprinkle some breadcrumbs onto the burger, whilst mixing. Do this all over the burger, still continuing to mix, until you have a solid ball of meat, eggs and breadcrumbs. Mmm…

 

We nicknamed her 'Patty'.

We nicknamed her ‘Patty’.

4. Shape the burger. 

Basically, all this step requires is for you to take the giant ball of meat and shape it into a burger. Now, I am warning you, that even if you get the most perfect burger shape in the world – it will expand. Seriously, by the time that burger comes out of the oven – it will look like something from The Thing. To show you how big we made our’s, here is a picture of our uncooked burger next to my housemate’s hand for size comparison.

 

5. Let’s get cookin’!

To cook the burger, we recommend using a baking tray that’s been oiled/greased. I have no idea what temperature we set the oven to, so let’s just say ‘medium’…  Make sure you give the burger plenty of room to expand upwards though! And now you can leave it to cook – we advise checking on it every 10-15 minutes though, and occasionally flip it – enjoy figuring out how to do that one.

Now, depending on how thick you made the burger, chances are the centre will be raw and still mooing whilst the outside looks perfect. What we did was to cut the monstrosity in half, which made more sense as there was two of us that were going to be eating it.

Once you are content with the burger, and that it’s cooked all the way through, it’s time to put the pizzas in. I’m not going to tell you how to cook a pizza – if you don’t know by now then you’ve got no hope.

6. Creating the pizza burger. 

The time has come. All the pieces are cooked, it’s now time to piece it together. Place the pizzas on two separate plates, then place the burger on top of one of the pizzas. Finally, turn the remaining pizza upside down and place it ever-so-gently on top of the burger. Voilà! You’ve just successfully (we hope) made a pizza burger!

Here’s our version, in all it’s greasy glory:

It's alive!

It’s alive!

Witness...the THICKNESS!

Witness…the THICKNESS!

So there you have it! Your very own pizza burger! Enjoy!

Tom (with a little help from Max)

I enjoy writing: whether it be blog posts or fiction. But I realise I don’t do enough of the latter (that means the last one) and so I’ve decided to take up writing fiction again. Obviously it’ll have to wait till after my exams, but I figured I’d ‘test the waters’ so to speak.

Anyway, I wrote this short story, if you can really call it that, months ago. It was just a random piece of writing that came from the top of my head, inspired by a conversation I had with someone, which in turn was inspired by a random thought I had to myself one day. So yeah, I hope you enjoy it. Let me know if you like it, or if you think I shouldn’t give up the day job.

It’s called ‘Picture Perfect’ and you can check it out here.

Tom

P.S. I realise that I’m not very good at the whole ‘self-promotion’ thing, so I’m debating making a Facebook page/Twitter account for this blog – that way I’m not spamming up my personal feed full of ‘blog stuff’ and for those of you who want to follow my blog, you don’t have to read the pretentious crap that I occasionally tweet. Let me know what you think.